*This monologue was an assignment for a theatre class I took in middle school. Eventually I wrote a one-act play, which was performed by the class. Sadly, the word document of the play was corrupted and there was no back-up copy. It was very funny and well received. I wish I could post the script for you to read. 

(Spot shins on – Two arms chairs. One side-table with a glass of water.)

(enter stage right)

I know I’m late, but I’ve discovered a new phobia. I now have amaxophobia, fear of riding in vehicles. I know, I know you’re gonna think that I just discovered this one on the internet, but I didn’t. I seriously sat in the care and just couldn’t bring myself to turn the key. Think about it; all those crazy accidents you hear about. (sits in chair closest to stage right)

How could anyone bring themselves to sit in that moving death trap? Why are you so quite? Aren’t you supposed to be helping me get over this? (stands) Don’t just sit there! How am I going to get to your office if I have this phobia? (starts pacing)

We already know that I’m an agyrophobic; I can’t cross the street! I think they all come from the same root fear….cars. Now let me tell you why cars are so horrible. (stands still)

Not only are they death traps for those who drive them, but think about the people who walk across the street! That’s why I never go to crosswalks. I’m getting to that age in my life where I can’t move fast anymore, so I don’t want to be in a situation where I have to move out of the way of a car and not be able to do so. Can you imagine that? (begins to enact crossing the street)

I am slowly walking across the street, that anxious person I am, and suddenly a large semi is heading my way. I, of course, begin to think the worst and freak out. The driver has fallen asleep at the wheel and the semi shows no sign of stopping. And I’m two steps away from the sidewalk! I can’t seem to move my legs fast enough in my old state and then all is black. (lies down)

The semit has hit me! I’m lying bloody across the street. (sit up and then stand)

Can you imagine that? (walk back to chair and sit)

Don’t tell me you can, because I know as a fact that you have no idea what type of fear spreads through me when I see that little white-man and the big red hand light up. Oh, you were gonna say that you couldn’t imagine that? How could you not? Are you insane? Don’t you watch the news? Just the other day a little girl was hit by a car! Don’t tell me about taking risks in life,  you don’t have a life if you take risk because you’ll most likely end up dead.

What, why are you bringing up my ex-boyfriend? You can’t just change the topic like that! Why did I dump him? You really have to ask me that? It’s a fear of men? NO I DIDN’T JUST MAKE THAT UP! It’s not an excuse! No, I won’t sit down and discuss these excuses you speak of. (stand and step away from chair with back towards both chairs)

Who would want to continue to sit on that dusty old chair? Don’t you know that I can’t touch anything in this room because it’s so dusty? (turns back towards chairs)

You really should get a maid so that people who have a fear of dust can relax in here. What’s the name of that one? Oh, it’s amathophobia! I think that’s my worst phobia of them all. Why? I can barely breathe in here! Don’t keep asking me why it’s my wost phobia. It’s my worst, because I say it’s my worst. I don’t have power issues. (begins to pace)

No, I won’t sit down! We already went over that. I don’t just make up my phobias, I swear! What’s a hypochondriac? Someone who thinks they have a serious health problem? Oh, I see. Well I’m sorry to say that I think you have the wrong lady here. My name is Lady Pearson, not crazy health freak. (sits down on chair)

Prove to me that I’m a hypochondriac. Yes, I did drive here today. I was scared to death the whole way, though! Yes, I still drove. Okay, okay, you’ve proved that point, now explain the rest of them. You can’t tell me my time’s up for today! We haven’t finished our discussion yet, wait we can’t be done. Fine, I’ll leave now, but you wait until next week. (stands and begins walking stage right, but stops and turns back)

How serious is this hypochondria you speak of? Can be that bad huh? So you think I’m that sick? Hmmm if it’s that bad then maybe I’ll consider hypochondria. I’ll look it up on the internet and get back to you next week on what I think. (coughs)

It seems as if I’m coming down with something. I hope it’s not serious. (exits stage right) (lights fade)

Photo credit for feature photo: 

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“Empty Chair” by Brad.K

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